The months that followed left us spinning in confusion, fatigue and fear. Steve's mom, Beema, was doing great and even visited us several months after her surgery. My mom, however, was fighting for her life - going through endless rounds of chem and radiation, all while trying to keep a positive spin on things.
I struggled to pray during that time. If my prayer life was aimless or haphazard before, it was downright stifled during the time my mom was fighting that battle. When I should have been praying the deepest, most sincere prayers that I could offer up, I was instead paralyzed with fear about what to say to God.
Should I ask God to cure my mom and keep her here on earth where I needed her? Part of me could not give voice to those words because I could hardly admit that losing her was a possibility. A bigger part of me was afraid to ask for something that I wanted so, so badly, but that God might very well say "no" to.
How would I live with God if he didn't give me this one thing - my mom to watch her grandchildren grow up. She told her doctors that she intended to get better because she planned to dance at her grandkids weddings.
So, I didn't pray for God to cure my Mom's cancer. Instead, I prayed for courage - for my mom, me, Steve, my step-Dad and brothers and sisters. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I prayed for everything I thought we would need to fight the battle, but I didn't pray to be victorious.
In April of the following year, about 8 months after being diagnosed with cancer, my mom called and told me she might be in remission. She'd have another MRI in July to determine if what the doctors saw was just scar tissue or still active cancer.
The next month, my mom threw a big 9oth birthday bash for her mother, my grandmother. Carly and I flew to Baltimore to join the party. We were 4 generations - ages 90, 56, 33 and 2, celebrating life together, along with lots of family and friends. My mom looked great! She floated around the banquet hall, visiting with all of her cousins and long-time family friends. It seemed as if God had answered the prayer that I was afraid to pray. I returned home with hope in my heart.
to be continued.......